?

Whickwithy

Teacher : What’s your favourite letter?

Student: The letter G.

Teacher : Why is that Angus?

Whickwithy

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammer’s Action Group.She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

“That's no better either, Hamish. Now, how about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out: “ London ".

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

..

...

...."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

Whickwithy · Post edited by Whickwithy at 2018-03-09 04:55:00

George Carlin:

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(I thought I would put this one first in honor of all of those weather forecasters, shammin' shaman,

and others that attempt to provide comfort but only make it worse).

(Well, and, of course, this one. A very good prediction.)

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

he real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Urban_Tribesman

Mental Health Trust joke.
1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness in their lifetime ( true fact)
Gather 3 friends. If they all seem alright, it's you !

Whickwithy

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that “their” ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that “their” ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British.

One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all.

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.

Whickwithy

Synonym: A word used in place of one you can't spell.

Whickwithy

This lady married to this man sends him a text message:

Windows frozen

The man texts here back:

Pour luke-warm water on windows...will open.

A bit later, she texts him back:

Computer is really screwed up now.

Whickwithy

40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment.......'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!................

The husband became 92 years old!

Whickwithy

I'm a mail-man and last Christmas a lady on my round, a Mrs. Jankowitz, met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread.

After I ate, I thanked her but she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined.

I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't."

I asked, "What is this all about then?"

She said, "I asked my husband what to give the mail-man for Christmas."

He said, "Screw the mail-man, breakfast was my idea."

Whickwithy

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

Whickwithy

A salesman knocks on the front door of a house. The door opens and standing there is six year-old boy with a cigar in his mouth, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse tucked under his arm.

The salesman says, "Is your mom or dad at home?"

The boy says, "What do you think?"

Whickwithy

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said :

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

serenity52 · Post edited by serenity52 at 2018-03-12 14:16:15

Whickwithy said:
40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment.......'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!................
The man suddenly turned 92.

I beg that wasn't part of HIS plan...dirty old man.

Whickwithy

That'll teach him.

Whickwithy

A Duck goes into a furniture store and asks 'Got any duck food?'

The guy at the counter says, 'Sorry, we don't sell duck food'.

The little Duck walks out.

The next day, the same Duck asks the same guy. 'Got any duck food?'

'Sorry little Duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ' replied the guy.

The Duck walks out.

Next day, he's back again, 'Got any duck food?'

The guy, getting angry, shouts 'No! How many more times must I tell you, we don't sell duck food! If you come in here, and ask me that again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'

The Duck walks out.

The next day the Duck walks in, and asks 'Got any nails? '

The guy says 'What?...erh... No!'

'...got any duck food?'

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