?

Whickwithy

Gandhi was rather frail due to his constant fasting. Because he always went barefoot, he sported some rather triumphant callouses. Also, his poor diet led to some heinous breath.

In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Whickwithy

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.

“Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off. You’re going to break something.”

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the sudden urge, a diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” She asks.

He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!”

Whickwithy

Oh no! Only two more pages of jokes!

serenity52

"Whickwithy">Too funny. Real story. I didn't read the actual article but the headline was that a woman was rushed to the hospital at the last minute to have a baby because she didn't know she was pregnant??!?!

Yeah amazingly it's getting pretty commonplace in the UK. How can you not know you've got a bun in the oven? Absolutely stupid. I wonder how these people actually know how to do the deed never mind anything else!!

Whickwithy · Post edited by Whickwithy at 2018-03-06 10:40:30

Do you think they went on a diet instead?

I met once someone who thought that you became pregnant from kissing.

I was just thinking how the far right has aligned themselves with people that are dumber than a bag of hammers in order to gain power. There's something very appropriate and so very in keeping with the cosmic scales.

Urban_Tribesman

It's called the illusion of truth. It has often interested me that the vast majority of criminal cases are cracked when the person accused is confronted with the irrefutable evidence. Think about the scenes you see on TV. You gather the suspects, confront them with the evidence and then the guilty party blabs about why they did it. Case closed. The power of absolute denial however is something to behold. Look someone in the eye and continually catorgorically deny that you are guilty and even the most stoic of people will eventually begin to question themselves and what they saw. We rely so much on people coughing up when presented with 'the truth'.
This is how both our governments are working at the moment. Tell lies often enough and people will start to believe you. Trump says 'Obama was not as tough on gun crime as I am'. Preposterous. How could anyone be more complicit with the NRA than Trump? But, say it often enough and your 'base' of supporters wil not only believe it, but will actively confront people who try to point out how ludicrous the statement is.
It's a war for people's hearts and minds and it's very, very dirty.

serenity52

I feel sorry for people who think they can't get pregnant standing up.. don't ask me the ins and outs if how one would have sex standing up because I don't have a rats backside if a clue.

Or you can't get pregnant if it's the first time or if you've just finished your period, or if you just drank a can of coke. I simply do not understand how a female would not know.

Sore boobs? Leaking boobs? Mornin Sickness? Cramps? Weird Cravings? Tummy getting bigger?!?!

serenity52 · Post edited by serenity52 at 2018-03-06 13:58:29

Whickwithy said "I met someone who thought they got pregnant by kissing".

Depends what they were kissing!

Whickwithy · Post edited by Whickwithy at 2018-03-06 13:34:53

Sorry, still doesn't work, S.

Just so you know, another weird little quirk on this site. When you click Quote, first thing to do is place your cursor below the blue box and type at least one letter before tweaking the blue box. Then, you can go back and type whatever you please below the blue box. Not that important, I guess. I'm just too fastidious on occasion.

Seriously? Standing up is much easier than in a swimming pool. The two combined, well...

iuventus

I had a 12-year-old girlfriend when I was ten. Her parents had told her that she would get cancer if she ever let a boy touch her boobies.

Whickwithy

Little old lady goes to the Doctors........

“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts – although still silent – stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Whickwithy

A 75-year-old Earl walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my Johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

Whickwithy

My wife has left me because of my fetish for pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Whickwithy

I don't get this one. I thought someone might explain.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Whickwithy

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender says,

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

.

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