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Whickwithy

A man got a 3 day weekend off from work and he decided to go visit his father. Upon arriving at his father's house, the two sat down to have lunch. The man looked at his father's silverware and asked, "How clean do you get your silverware?", to which his father replied, "As clean as cold water can get them." In the same manner, at dinner, the man asked "How clean do you get your plates?" because they didn't look all that clean to him. His father replied, "As clean as cold water can get them." At the end of the weekend, the man is about to leave to go back home, when his father's large dog is blocking his car. He goes over to his father and asks him if he could move his dog. His father yells, "Cold Water! Go lay down!"

Whickwithy · Post edited by Whickwithy at 2018-02-24 11:02:10

I was sitting at that huge platz that is surrounded on three sides with restaurants and shops (I think there's only one) in Amsterdam rather near the open side. There was this mime there doing his mime thing. Along comes a seriously stoned dude. I mean moving slow with every fiber of his being totally into it and a joint in this hand. He gets near the mime, finally notices him, stops, raises the joint towards the mime and offers him a toke. He freezes. He freezes like he is made of stone (so to speak) and it not going to move until the next ice age. The mime attempts to ignore him and the stoned dude doesn't budge. No smile, nothing, just frozen. After maybe five minutes, the mime finally just shakes his head slightly and mutters "Non!". The stoned dude immediately rambles on like nothing happened.

Whickwithy

There once was a farmer who had three teenage daughters. Whenever he would answer the door, he carried his shotgun with him. One Friday night, as the farmer was sitting in his chair, there was a knock at the door. The farmer got up, grabbed his shotgun, and answered the door. There was a young man standing there. He said "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We are going to go eat Spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer thought this was cute and he let Betty leave. He sat back down and soon after, there was another knock at the door. He got up, grabbed his shotgun, and answered the door. There was a young man standing there. He said "Hi, my name is Lance. I'm here to pick up Nance. We are going to a dance. Is she ready, by chance?" Again, the farmer thought this was cute and he let Nance leave. He sat back down and then, there was another knock at the door. He got up, grabbed his shotgun, and answered the door. There was another young man standing there. He said, "Hi, my name is Chuck." and the farmer shot him.

Whickwithy

A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He spent a bit of time in the hospital and was sent home. After a while, he got the bill and found the hospital had denied his claim. He called his insurance company to find out why.

“You got hit in the head by a chair lift” was the reply from the insurance company employee. “That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition.”

Whickwithy

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson take a camping trip. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes up Watson.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars. And even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

Whickwithy

Mother Superior: "Welcome to the Convent of Silence, Sister Mary Katherine. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct yo to do so."

Five years pass.

Mother Superior: "You have remained silent for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine: "Hard bed."

Mother Superior: "I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."

Five more years pass.

Mother Superior: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

Sister Mary Katherine: "Cold food."

Mother Superior: "I am quite sorry. We will instruct the cook to ensure your food is warmer in the future."

Five years later. . .

Mother Superior: "You may say two words only today."

Sister Mary Katherine: "I quit."

Mother Superior: "It's probably for the best. You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Whickwithy

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Whickwithy

Some 60's hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers...

Procol Harem--

A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer ---

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Whickwithy

Too funny. Real story. I didn't read the actual article but the headline was that a woman was rushed to the hospital at the last minute to have a baby because she didn't know she was pregnant??!?!

Whickwithy

Must have been written by a Canadian:

the leaders of the big beer companies met to have a discussion. the owner of budweiser orders a bud, the owner of coors orders a coors, the owner of miller's orders a miller, and the owner of moosehead orders a soda. the other three ask why a soda, and he replies, "if you guys aren't gonna order a beer, I won't either."

Whickwithy

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

Whickwithy

Some 60's hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers...

Tony Orlando ---

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Whickwithy

Someone asked me earlier what I'd be doing in two years time.

How the hell should I know I don't have 2020 vision.

Whickwithy

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Whickwithy

A man in New York tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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