?

Whickwithy

Two old dears Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

serenity52 · Post edited by serenity52 at 2018-02-21 07:23:35

PMSL. I swear down that condoms have multiples uses. Don't ask me to list them all. I simply don't have enough time for that.

iuventus

For @Whickwithy

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

serenity52

Why just for Whickwithy? :-?

iuventus

You just haven't earned it yet, baby.

serenity52

PMSL. Wow. Really?

Whickwithy

But, I already posted that, didn't I, Iuv?

Whickwithy

Nice acronym, by the way, S. PMSL reading about it. One page was so embarrassed that they never spelled it out, they just described it as similar to ROFL and gave examples. Funny.

iuventus

Whickwithy said:
But, I already posted that, didn't I, Iuv?

I thought that was possible, but i didn't feel like looking back through all the pages. My step-father sent it to me, and I thought of you.

Whickwithy

Yeah, well, don't get me started on the search engine here.

Actually, I don't think it's the same. It just has some of the same gags. And, oh, by the way, lots more where that came from!

Thanks!

iuventus

serenity52 said:
PMSL. Wow. Really?

It's an allusion to '80s alternative music, serenity. Nevertheless, I don't owe you anything.

serenity52 · Post edited by serenity52 at 2018-02-22 04:37:27

Erm ok...whatever. Yeah more jokes please Whickwithy. You know how to execute like a gentleman.

Whickwithy

Why, thank you, S. And, since it seems so appropriate at this juncture I just have to say it.

As you wish.

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and

takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid

around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and

get my urine tested for sugar."

Whickwithy

When I was going through the Airborne School. A guy in the class ahead of me said he did not want to jump out of the Airplane and the instructor came up to him screaming. IF YOU DON'T JUMP I AM GOING TO F&%$ RIGHT UP YOUR ASS.

I asked him if he jumped.

He said............A little!

Whickwithy

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life,

the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren,

and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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