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Whickwithy

I found a great page full of some really great jokes. I was going to stop tonight but this one was just too funny.

I was in a pub on a Saturday night. Had a few drinks....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!!"

So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry!!! Are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's pretty much all I remember....

serenity52 · Post edited by serenity52 at 2018-02-19 06:01:04

I know this is a bad joke but it killed me reading the lyrics:

Here comes the bride
All fat and wide
Got in a taxi
Fell out the other side

Here comes the bride
All dressed in white
Slipped on a banana peel
and went for a ride.

Whickwithy

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that ballpoint pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

Whickwithy

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife

ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Whickwithy

For us older folks trying to start exercising, try this:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Whickwithy

Just one more. This one actually as a lot of answers but I'll post them one at a time.

1960 Hits Renamed Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

Herman's Hermits ---

Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Whickwithy

This joke page I found is a friggin' goldmine...

1960 Hits Renamed aging baby boomers

The Bee Gees ---

How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Whickwithy

So this coyote is boarding an airplane and he has a dead raccoon under his arm, the flight attendant says, you can't bring that on board, the coyote says, but it's my carrion.

Whickwithy

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.A cell phone

on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather

coat. It's only $5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: "How much?

WOMAN: "$75,000.

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $999,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $950,000.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone knows whose phone this is?"

Whickwithy

Some 60's hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers...

Roberta Flack---

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---

I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon---

Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

Whickwithy

A man was riding on his motorbike along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is rather materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing's wrong", why they suddenly snap and complain when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

God replied:

'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

Whickwithy

I do not enjoy computer jokes . Not one bit .

When chemists die, they barium .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me ..

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

serenity52

Your on a sausage roll today!

Whickwithy

Those are good, aren't they? I'm trying so hard not to overdo it, though. There are just so many and I don't want to post them all at once but it's hard to stop!

serenity52

I'm sure if we ever met in this lifetime or the next we'd get on like a house on fire. We were definitely separated at birth!

Howdy, Stranger!

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