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whisperit · Post edited by whisperit at 2015-08-17 13:31:29

God's has a sense of humour too.

Day 3 of the creation, i'ts time for the oceans:

God: Aargh. .. Just put water frickin' EVERYWHERE!

Angel: Nice! That way, if they're thirsty, they....

God: Make it undrinkable

whisperit

Two aliens scientists are catching up on the latest research.

First alien: we have been getting data indicating that one of the dominant life forms on Earth has developed satellite based atomic weapons

Second alien: Then they are an emerging intelligence

First alien: No - they have them turned on themselves

Whickwithy · Post edited by Whickwithy at 2015-12-20 06:36:42

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."

The Blond Guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The Blond Guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's wife.

The Blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Urban_Tribesman · Post edited by Urban_Tribesman at 2015-12-18 13:15:39

So, Winston is walking through an alley and comes across a brightly covered bottle covered in dust. He wipes the bottle on his sleeve to get a closer look when suddenly
POOF - out pops a Genie.
'Oh Master', says the Genie, 'thank you so much from releasing me from the confinement of my bottle. I have been in there, trapped, for many years. Us Genie's have fallen on hard economic times like everyone else, so I can only offer you one wish, but you can have whatever you want'
'No prob', says Winston, 'I only needs one. I wanna be white, up tight, in the groove and outa sight' !
So the Genie claps his hands and turns him into a tampon !
<:-P

Ponygurl

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Whickwithy

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Whickwithy

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some

Southern Cajun folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are

swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and barbecue sauce is

all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all

over the streets of Gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late

taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are

watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing

their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my

children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the

Devil. The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on." The Devil returned to

the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down

there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5

minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was

the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The

Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord." This

time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now.

These Southern Cajun folks done put the fire out, and are trying to

install air conditioning!"

Whickwithy

This is the only word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

UP

Read until the end... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP." It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaksUP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now. . . my time is UP!

Oh. . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Whickwithy

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Urban_Tribesman

There was a young man from Ghent
Whose penis was so long, it bent
To save himself trouble
He would put it in double
And instead of coming, he went !

Whickwithy

How does a Cajun say, "Excuse me. I didn't quite understand what you were saying. Could you repeat that please?"?

Appy61

How do you prove your dog loves you more than your wife/partner? Lock them both in the boot (trunk) of your car for an hour and see which one is pleased to see you when you open it!

whispered

Ms Robin: Right class! The person who answers my next question correctly gets to go home!

*condom demonstrator hits her on the head*

Ms Robin: Ouch! Who threw that?

Girl in back row: Me!

*walks out*

TA-DAAAAAH!

KatRobin

Hmmmmm.....I'm going to IM you something privately now Whisperit, I'd love to share with the whole forum but professional constraints will not allow. Give me a mo.

KatRobin

Check your inbox Mr W.

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