Welcome to the new Goldfrapp forum. Enjoy your new home! X
  • 413 Comments sorted by

  • It's a radio quiz - you don't need the video

    Walter Raleigh


  • A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
  • I like that one! :))
  • Back to joke punchlines on a Doctor theme:
    'For all the good them pills did me, I may as well have stuck them up my arse !"
    Post edited by Urban_Tribesman at 2015-02-28 09:55:25
    The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ.
    Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit.
    Shall lure it back to cancal half a line,
    Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
  • A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
  • A husband and wife take their son to a nudist camp. While the father is walking on the beach, the son plays in the water. Soon, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw some women with boobies bigger than yours."

    The mother sardonically replies, "The bigger the boobs, the dumber the woman."

    The little boy runs back to the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, he runs back to his mother and squeals, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs bigger than Daddy's."

    "The bigger the dong, the dumber the man," she replies with a smile.

    With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Moments later, the little boy hurries back to his mother and exclaims, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen, and the more he talked, the dumber he got."
    Post edited by iuventus at 2015-03-09 20:55:29
    If I were dead, could I do this?
  • Holmes! Why have you had the front door of 122b Baker Street paninted such a bright yellow?
    It's elementary my dear Watson !
    Post edited by Urban_Tribesman at 2015-03-14 06:58:13
    The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ.
    Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit.
    Shall lure it back to cancal half a line,
    Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
  • A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

  • The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

  • UKIP >:)
  • Remember everybody. It is a democratic process so your votes

    image
    The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ.
    Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit.
    Shall lure it back to cancal half a line,
    Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
  • :)) well it's a sad day in my opinion.....but knowing that little fascist has flushed himself down the pan has at least made it a bit brighter.
  • Hoping yous don't mind me posting a link, this little collection of classics cheered me up at least a little bit today...

    http://smg.photobucket.com/user/stationmiek/media/crapjokes/cj_035.gif.html
    image
  • Ha ha! Very puerile but great! I'm chuckling!
  • These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

    The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'

    A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

    'He had delusions of adequacy.' Walter Kerr

    He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' Winston Churchill

    'A Modest little person, with much to be modest about.' Winston Churchill

    'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' Clarence Darrow

    'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
    'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

    'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' Moses Hadas

    'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' Abraham Lincoln

    'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' Mark Twain

    'He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.' Oscar Wilde

    'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play' bring a friend....if you have one.' George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one.' Winston Churchill, in response.
    Post edited by Whickwithy at 2015-06-18 10:36:16