Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.  Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one.  They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me', announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda. 'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

The world economy described using cows.

SOCIALISM
Your commune has 2 cows.
The Government expects you to give one to your neighbouring commune.

COMMUNISM
Your commune has 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some of the milk.

FASCISM
Your village has 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both as tax. It has made no arrangements to feed them, so one dies. The other is milked, but no mechanism was put in place to collect and deliver the milk, so it spoils and is thrown away. Milk is imported from another country on the other side of the world to make up the shortfall.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your cow calfs, so you have milk to sell and your herd rapidly multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell the herd and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and genetically enhance the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire an expensive consultantcy firm to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
The state provides you with two cows from EU subsidies.
You go on strike, organize a riot, block the roads and burn some British lorries because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch; Mamma's spagethii obviously.
You then buy some nice shoes, made from some cows.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You are responsible for an undisclosed number of cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge the owners a percentage for storing them securely.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest and imprison the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both appear to be mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Some countries persuade some other countries that you have lots of dangerous cows.
You tell them that you have no cows, but try to explain that your fences stop other people's dangerous cows spreading across the region.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country, and knock down your fences.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy, well, for now at least.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business Is Bonza!. You close the office and go out for a few tinnies and have a barbie to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left has nice eyes and looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut and then go to a restaurant to smash some plates.

Can I suggest
Vegetarian commune
You have two cows. Your pals, the Vegans up the road, do not understand why.

How about
Milton Keynes City Council
You have several cows. They appear to be made of concrete.

Not really a joke, but a fun game ..... Go to AOL.games and the What Breed Of Dog Are You? Game. Answer some multiple choice questions and find out! I turned out to be the " epitome of sogginess" apparently...a golden retriever lol. At least I wasnt a bulldog or a chihuahua :o3

Too late. My brain has already pigeonholed you as the epitome of sogginess. Matron !
I am assuming here that people not from the UK may be familiar with Carry On films and know what that term means?

'You! What's the bleeding time?'
10 past 4 sir'

Platypuses were invented when Noah put ducks and badgers too close to the Ark's reactor.

No one went to museums in ancient times because it was just a building full of stuff they had at home.